State of Grace

Being sober means you can’t hide from life’s challenges, you get to feel every single glorious moment of it.

I am currently in transition from an experience in my life of which I can’t go into detail yet but the primary reason this is happening is because it’s not a good fit.  

The reality is, when I was drinking and going to happy hour, alcohol helped numb me to conflicts, challenges, and hard life stuff.  Today, if I am annoyed or my needs aren’t being met, it shows.  It shows up in every glorious detail in the way I interact with you and how happy I am in my work and personal life.

At my last job, I was so numb to everything that happened there because I was numb about everything.  I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted and half the time, I was focused on where I was meeting my friends after work.  

Life is different now, whatever situation I am in has my full attention and sometimes I am deeply uncomfortable with how it is unfolding or my part in it.  I don’t have the skills or the luxury of hiding that discomfort anymore.

It’s actually kind of nice because it also means I don’t to hide anymore.  IF something isn’t a good fit, I can find something that is.  

This is not loss.  This is gain.  I now drop the loss and take the gain.

Addiction is a real disease and it kills people, you can ignore it all you want but you are doing a disservice to those who could live.

Yesterday, my mother called to tell me that my childhood best friend’s fiance died in the middle of the night.  He went into the bathroom and after several hours didn’t come out.  He was a recovering meth addict who relapsed when doctors denied him methadone for withdrawal.  After a week of making an amends to family members, he bought a bag of heroin, snorted it and effectively took his own life than to struggle alone with his relapse.  

What baffles me is that my mother and her friend threw out the bag of heroin in hopes that no one would find out how he killed himself until the coroner’s report.

Just because you choose to ignore addiction, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.  As a person in recovery, it deeply offends me when people die from this disease and families hide it.  You are doing a disservice to myself and others.  If I someday die from my alcoholism on a relapse, I hope that others’ would use my story as a cautionary tale for those addicts that are still struggling.  This is no fucking joke and society’s continued ignorance and denial makes it nearly impossible for people like myself to recover.

We recover by sharing our weaknesses and our experience, strength and hope.  Denial is what drives us towards the disease and keeps us imprisoned in the bondage of self.   

Those of us that do manage to string together time are fucking miracles.

Also, do you know how offensive it is to those of us in the rooms when people die and the families push it under the rug as “heart failure”?  WE know.  Your fucking loved ones are our friends, their failures give us the courage to make it one more day- so fucking think about that the next time Uncle Bob dies mysteriously because his internal organs shut down.  

Boyfriend Management 101

So I feel like having a boyfriend is like having a crash course in men.  

Last week I learned from my therapist that I shouldn’t validate or draw attention to the boyfriend’s feelings if he is in a bad mood.  She told me to ignore it and to change the conversation topic.  Men forget things very quickly and when we try to act like their mother, they turn into babies.  Sure fucking enough- she was absolutely right.  In the past, I would try to console him and play therapist- which by the fucking way got us nowhere.  After we talked about his feelings at length, I would be stuck with this gripe-y man for like a whole day.  But now, he forgets about it in like 10 minutes if I just let it go and do my own thing.

Boyfriend tactic #2:  Whenever he tells me his plans- just agree with it.  Today’s text “that sounds amazing!  you should definitely do that!  I will see you some other time!”  Be 100 percent supportive even if those plans include ditching me to take a train to some unknown destination.  I have noticed that the more elaborate the plan, the least likely it is to happen.  Also, I am beginning to need space to do my own thing.  Win win on both sides.  Tomorrow night is ladies’ night.

It’s so weird to me how different the sexes are.  I was a gender studies major and until this relationship thought most of it was nurture and not nature.  But spending time with someone of the opposite sex that I care about is changing my world view.  Things I have noticed:  I am a woman, I am pretty much 100 percent always on my word.  We have to be prepared for when big shit happens.  Men are indecisive and they change their minds a lot.  Women, we have feelings and a large emotional vocabulary that frightens men.  

or maybe this is just my relationship…would love to hear from others.

Jury Duty

So I finally found a valid reason to get out of jury duty- Being a nonprofit event planner/fundraiser.

Someone was arguing with me that you can’t get fired if you are doing jury duty, well if you are planning a million dollar event for a charity and won’t be around for a month, yes you can.  

The court and lawyers were really nice and totally understood. 

Oh my God, I have a real honest to God relationship.

My beau and I work 5 blocks apart so lately we have been meeting for lunch.  Today I taught him how to play Gin Rummy, my all time favorite card game.  And he told me his mother invited me to their Easter dinner.

I can’t even begin to tell you how different this relationship is from every other relationship.  Like I fucking lived with a guy and he invited his mother to meet me but didn’t tell her we were boyfriend/girlfriend.  And then this other guy had lived with a woman but still kept her old shit lying around.  I have had guys cheat on me, say some really fucked up shit and tell me what a piece of shit I am.  They have disappeared after declaring their undying affection, slept with other girls, and been all around tools.  I have had an abusive stepfather, creepy uncles and an alcoholic stepfather.  My track record with men is a nightmare.  

Getting into this relationship has been really hard for me.  The first week after we became official, I had a somewhat nervous breakdown/allergic reaction to being his girlfriend.  I have had several meltdowns when he hasn’t responded for more than 8 hours and often I have freaked out when he’s been super affectionate.  I have had to walk away whenever I have wanted to self-sabotage. Thank god for girlfriends who have held my hand through every moment of this new and exciting experience.   

But now it feels like I am finally relaxing into the relationship and trusting him a little bit more.  We practically see each other every day or every other day and he keeps fitting me more and more into his life.  Our friends have began to blend and the rules feel less rigid.  We both have stuff at each other’s place and are planning vacations together. 

Part of the struggle for me has been letting people love me.  In my family, if people love you, they hit you, abused you, denied you or they left.  In adulthood, I attracted the same kinds of people when I was drinking.  It’s been an uphill battle to open up and to learn how to pick better people.  For me, it’s all about how the person acts.  I think it’s very easy to define yourself using words, but if actions don’t align with the labels, then it’s pointless.

The thing I like most about him is he just does stuff and tells me later.  He doesn’t brag.  He’s very humble and he will plan things and casually clue me in after the fact.  He’s very thoughtful with his words and that’s a characteristic I used to view as weakness.  Today it’s everything to me.  

If there is any lesson I have learned is that sometimes what I want is not what is actually best for me.  Sometimes it’s the things that I take for granted that are the ones that will bring me the greatest happiness.  And in this case, it still blows my mind that I was ready to write this whole thing off because I thought relationships had to look a certain way.  But there is one thing I know- the deeper I go with him, the more I realize he is everything I ever wanted.  And that has been a truly humbling experience.  

Anniversary Month! Things I have learned in 3 years of sobriety.

Friday is my 3 year anniversary in sobriety.  For me that means no alcohol, drugs, nyquil, pills, etc. of any kind for 3 whole years.  In that time, I have learned a lot of hard lessons and below is the summation of those lessons.  May it help you too!

1.  I am not responsible for how other people are feeling.  Really, in fact, it’s not any of my business.  You don’t like it when I x, y, or z?  That’s on you!  Stop hanging out with me!  Unless, I am deliberately hurting you, your feelings belong to you and mine belong to me. 

2.  People are just not thinking about me.  Like ever.  Like EVER EVER EVER.  Most of the time, when I do something “wrong” and think everyone sees it, I am actually an idiot when I point it out.  People are most of the time 100 percent thinking about themselves.  And if they are thinking about me, it’s really about them.  How much they hate me because they hate themselves.  How much they love me because I bring out the things they love in themselves.  etc, etc.

3.  I AM NOT A PIECE OF SHIT.  And neither are you.  The universe/God/allah did not play a joke on the world by birthing us then turning us into a huge fuck up.  No, in fact, most of our perceived reactions to ourselves are based on ego, rigid societal structures, and social expectations.  I mean seriously, you are perfect just as you are.

4.  Food will change the way you feel.  If you feel like shit or are crying after every time you eat chocolate, maybe it’s time to look at what you are putting into your body.  Also, see alcohol, drugs, pot, etc.

5.  All actions have consequences.  Own what you say and do.  If you put toxic and negative stuff out to other people and the universe, you are directly responsible for the consequences of those actions.

6.  Be Nice.  Seriously, you don’t have to roll out the red carpet but be nice.  Being mean is lame and no one will want to be your friend.  If you are mean to yourself or to another person, chances are you are probably at one point going to be mean to me.  Why would I let that in my life?

7.  Forgiveness is letting go of obsessive thoughts of anger or ill will towards another person.  PERIOD.  That’s it.  You don’t have to call the person up and take them out to dinner.  Make a commitment to yourself to forget them.  You don’t have to forget the wrong, but you also don’t have to rent space in your head to them.  Forgiveness has so many layers, if you struggle with letting go then turn to yourself and take a look at where you feel like you have let yourself down.  Work on that relationship first and the others will fall in line. 

8.  Be kind to yourself and practice good self-care.  Like most of us, you probably have had a rough life, traumatic childhood, bad breakup, shitty friends, horrible job, sleepy monday, angry cat or a dog die.  Think of yourself as you would a friend and nurture yourself.  Make a list of things that make you happy when you are sad and do those things on your worst day.

9.  Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself.  Your relationship with others is a mirror to the one you have with yourself.  It says everything about who you are and the measure of your character.

10.  Do estimable acts EVERY SINGLE DAY and tell no one.  Do something nice for another person, just for yourself and see how good you feel.  It’s an amazing way to build self-esteem.

11.  Put yourself first always.  If you are not taken care of, then you can not take care of others.  THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.  No one wants a cranky, angry, hungry, tired friend to show up in a crisis.  

12.  Feel your feelings.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you it’s not ok to feel the way you are feeling.  Let it out.  Scream, cry, rage, do what feels right in moments of doubt, sadness and anger.  Practice self-care and go see a movie.  You earned it.

13.  It’s ok to be happy.  Stop comparing yourself to others.  You are never going to measure up using that faulty scale.  People like you right now, not 10 pounds from now or 3 marathons from now.  Right now, now.  You are amazing.  Everything you could ever want to be happy is right in this moment- love, friends, ice cream- it’s all yours.  Relax and trust life.  

Fate, Destiny and being romantic in nature.

On Sunday, I met my boyfriend (it’s still really new and hard for me to say this word) at a Golf store where he was trying out drivers.  He didn’t see me as I was walking up but I saw him first.  He was dressed really well and watching him swing the club, it was clear that he has some natural ability.  He is very talented in many things.  Also, I felt fluttery not quite believing he was real and that this handsome man belongs to me. 

I felt the same way today at lunch when I unexpectedly ran into him because we work 5 blocks away and have similar habits and schedules.  How did I get here?  This seemingly fucked up and damaged person in recovery now attempting a healthy and somewhat normal relationship.  

You should have seen me last week.  I was a fucking mess.  I was physically ill adjusting to being someone’s girlfriend and I cried a lot.  I cried for the fucked up little girl I once was that was abused and unloved.  I cried for the new me that doesn’t know what a healthy relationship feels like and therefore this relationship feels unnatural at times.  For the first time in my life, I felt sorry for myself.  I felt sick in my soul for all the sick shit that comprised my childhood and adulthood- the abusive stepfather, babysitters, abusive boyfriends.  How much emotional damage is one person allowed to have before they are irrevocably fucked up for life?  Apparently, there is no limits to the depth and amount of healing that can take you from death to life.

The truth- what I am learning a minute at a time is that it is possible to heal, to grow and to move into healthy relationships.  Part of the adjustment for me has been wondering if he is going to disappear.  Trusting that when I leave the room, he will be there when I come back.  People in my life leave.  They walk out and they don’t come back.  I don’t have the reference point that if we have a fight, we are going to be ok.  But I am slowly working through it.  

It’s amazing to me that even though my bf and I have all the same friends, we never once met over the last two years.  It was only because I got this job downtown that I first became aware of him.  I saw him across a room in September and was certain I knew him from somewhere before.  It turns out I didn’t know him at all but wanting to know him is what called him to me in December.  I made eyes and flirted with him at a party.  30 days before, I couldn’t flirt to save my life.  

Life is funny.  We go through our day thinking that nothing important is happening and we don’t realize that every thing is happening.  Life is changing unbeknownst to us.  Somewhere in the universe, an action is taking place that is going to someday trickle down into something good for us.  

One year ago, I couldn’t picture ever having any kind of relationship.  Today, we are planning trips and going dancing.  Even if this all ends tomorrow, it’s still the best thing I have ever had.  Progress, not perfection.  

Being someone’s Girlfriend, day 5.

I am 32 years old and the longest someone has called me their girlfriend was 9 days and I am pretty sure, he told people I was actually his roommate.  So all of this is new to me and I would be completely lying if I didn’t admit that while I love the new exalted position, it totally fucking freaks me out.  I don’t know how to be someone’s girlfriend.  

It’s like that scene in Talladega Nights where Ricky Bobby is being interviewed on camera and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  And I am finding that I am not really the clingy sort, because I like my independence which works well for both of us.  

Everything in my life is going well-ish and of course there’s this massive fear that I will just fuck everything up.  It’s a case of beware of what you wish for.  Lately I have been praying for myself, confidence and faith in myself because it’s hard to believe that I deserve happiness.  As a piece of shit alcoholic, we don’t put much stock in ourselves until we put down the drink.  

Last night, we had dinner with my girlfriends and I thought somehow that it would be slightly different than having all male friends.  It’s not.  They were just as obnoxious and interrogated him.  But it was nice, because now everyone knows we are together and we don’t have to have that awkward “are they or aren’t they” conversation.

Two things I discovered last night:  My boyfriend is very handsome, in fact, it was actually the last thing I noticed about him.  And he is very witty and charming which is hilarious to me because I must have scared the shit out of him during our first month.  He was at times awkward and now that I know him much much better, I am discovering how kind, amazing, charming, and how much everyone likes him.  He’s just an all around great guy, the kind you can call in a jam.  

Two things I have always wanted in a boyfriend but didn’t know existed.  I feel like this is all a dream and it will disappear in an instant.  Part of the uphill battle for me is realizing that not everyone who loves me is going to leave.  As a survivor of childhood trauma, I don’t have that reference under my belt but with him I am happily learning a new way of living and loving.  

Coming up for air and finding balance in a new relationship.

It’s interesting, you spend all this time SINGLE struggling for balance, filling your life with all this stuff so that you can attract a mate.  Instead, the minute you find the one you want, you blow off all this stuff that felt so meaningful before.  

I feel like I have blown off everything and everyone for the past week and a half.  I don’t want to do anything else but spend all my time with him.  We have so much fun together, even when we are doing boring things like dishes.  But everything else goes to hell- work, friendships, ballet, choir, cleaning your apartment.

Strangely, I don’t regret any of it.  I want to cherish every minute of this floaty happy feeling.  

Since I have phD in boundaries, other people’s anger and codependency.

theguywhokilledbadguys:

jenniferswag:

I am so exhausted of being afraid of men and their explosive anger.
I am only just realizing the degree to which this affects me. I don’t even trust my own male friends enough to feel safe speaking to them openly.
They usually speak with such entitlement, certainty, authority, disrespect, and aggression, even if they are insecure or “feminized”/non-hegemonic as fuck. (Most men who think they aren’t the stereotypical guy are just another variant of the same old misogynistic male.) They compensate for feeling bad with these horrible qualities.

this this this this this this this this this.

I’ve experienced this even with beloved male friends. And it is exhausting.

Look, this is actually a really complex issue.  First off, there are people that are not very good at feeling their feelings so everything they feel comes out as anger.  They stuff, stuff, stuff and then explode because they think feeling feelings is bad.  The reality is that if men felt more emotionally safe to express themselves, pent up feelings would be less likely to manifest as violent anger.  Also, it’s ok to express anger.  There are in fact creative ways to do it.  Talking it through with a friend.  Why are you angry?  Describe your anger.  Maybe go for a run, walk it out, talk it out.  etc.  

How does all of this pertain to you- as the “perceived receiver of the anger”?  The reality is that we ladies are sometimes taught by our ill advised mothers that we don’t need boundaries, that we are in fact responsible for every emotion and word of self-expression in the room even if it doesn’t belong to us.  I was taught that not only was I NOT allowed to talk about how I was feeling but that I needed to take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and actions of others.  I must have caused it so therefore it’s my “responsibility” to fix it, cure it and/or change it.  ie. codependency.  

How does this person’s anger make me feel?  Guilty?  Ashamed?  Terrified to be alive?  like I did something wrong?  All of the above?  How is all of this affecting your core belief about yourself.  Because ultimately what you can control is your reaction and response to it.  So what can I do to remove myself from the situation or set a boundary.  ”Listen, Sean, I respect your opinion, but please watch your tone.  Do not take your anger out on me.”  or  ”This conversation is a little too intense for me, I am going to go get a glass of water.”  ”Sean, when you get angry, I feel scared.  Can we find a better way to express ourselves?”  or you turn the conversation back around to the person, ask pointed questions about how their perceived anger affects them emotionally, mentally, physically.

Or you do as my brilliant boss taught me recently, “fair enough, I acknowledge your point of view.  Let’s agree to disagree.”  

Change has to come within.  I have personally rid myself of people in my life who are incapable of expressing anger in healthy ways.  I have worked really hard to get where I am emotionally and other people’s anger is a trigger for me.  I can’t be around emotionally abusive people.  It’s a boundary I have set for myself.  And I use the creative ways listed above when I am in a situation where I am uncomfortable.  Personally, I have to take it one interaction at a time.  

(via missed-something-once)

Reblogging to make a comment on yesterday’s post.

theguywhokilledbadguys:

gracefulalice replied to your post: The double bind of “love your body”

I don’t think personally it matters how much you weigh as long as you are loving yourself and not abusing yourself. What bothered me about my weight gain from alcohol was that I was literally trying to kill and destroy myself. there’s a difference.

That is very valid. When people gain and they are doing so as a means of self-destruction, it is absolutely valid to say there is a big difference there.

I’ve gained ‘coz I like cheese fries. Could become a self-destruction thing, but so far… it’s just… cheese fries. Lol.

I love disco fries and eating cake, but the difference today is that I try not to do these things because I am trying to kill myself or destroy myself.  I think if you are happy at your weight then don’t listen to what anyone else thinks!  

(Source: missed-something-once)